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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28414680">tolerate it</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwafflefangirl/pseuds/bookwafflefangirl'>bookwafflefangirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Christmas, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, dean thinks he doesn't deserve cas and cas thinks dean just tolerates him that's it that's the fic, i have no idea when this is set it's choose your own timeline day my friends!, it's not that angsty cause apparently i am unable to write angst lmao</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:55:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28414680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwafflefangirl/pseuds/bookwafflefangirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is really glad that Dean tolerates him. Dean doesn't think he deserves Cas. They still find each other.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>tolerate it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I listened to evermore on Christmas Eve and decided to start writing this. Help? </p><p>This is not beta-read and keep in mind that english is not my first language, so please be kind about any mistakes you find!</p><p>The title is (obviously) from Taylos Swift's "tolerate it".</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean is sitting at one of the tables in the library, concentrated on the thick, old book open in front of him. Castiel sits a few chairs down the table, watching him closely. Dean doesn’t seem to notice. </p><p>He sits up a little, grabbing a new sheet of paper from across the table to copy something from the book. He lets the pen fall down carelessly next to the book and lifts his hand to his head to scratch it. Castiel’s angelic senses can pick the sound up that the scratching makes on the dry skin underneath Dean’s hair.</p><p>When he drops his hand again, he lets it linger on his bottom lip for a moment, his tongue pushing out, getting the finger wet. He lets the hand drop to the book, using the wet finger to separate the pages and turn over to the next page. His hand wanders to his face again and he starts biting his thumbnail. As soon as he realizes what he is doing though, he stops and takes the pen back in his hand to fiddle with that instead.</p><p>A while ago Dean asked him to tell him to stop whenever he starts biting his nails. When Castiel asked why, Dean just shrugged. “Guess it’s a bad habit, and I just don’t wanna do it anymore, you know?” Castiel still doesn’t understand why something as mundane as biting nails could be a bad habit, but that doesn’t matter when it’s Dean who asks him to do something for him. </p><p>Dean now puts the pen under the lines in the book, mouthing the words while reading them and Castiel doesn’t know what exactly he is reading, but from the puffs of breath that are escaping Dean’s mouth he guesses it’s a phrase in Latin. Dean thinks nobody noticed, but Castiel saw some Latin dictionaries on Dean’s desk on his room, hidden underneath some loose papers, as well as an old schoolbook that looked like it could be even older than Dean teaching “Basic Latin”, as the cover says. Cas didn’t tell Sam, because Dean apparently didn’t want anyone to know about that, but he can’t help but feel proud of Dean for trying to learn something he wouldn’t even need to know.</p><p>“Quit the staring, Cas,”, Dean suddenly mumbles into the quiet of the room, his eyes not leaving the page for a second. Cas immediately averts his eyes. “I’m sorry,”, he starts, but Dean just shrugs, now looking at him. “It’s okay,”, he says. “I think I need a break anyway. Why couldn’t these idiots write books with normal sized letters? My brain is fried.” </p><p>He runs a hand down his face, then stretches with his eyes closed and stands up. “I’m hungry. Thought about checking out that new burger joint on the road to town, you wanna come?” His eyes flicker to Cas while he stacks all his papers and closes the book.</p><p>“Of course, Dean.” Castiel doesn’t need to eat, of course he doesn’t, but Dean loves food so he tries to appreciate it a bit more. He stands up and follows Dean out of the library.</p><p>Dean just takes a second to go to his room and grab a jacket before joining Castiel who is already standing outside by the Impala, the cold December air biting against the thin layer of his trenchcoat. </p><p>“Sam is gonna be so mad that I went to try those burgers without him, but it’s his own fault for helping Garth on this stupid hunt instead of being here with us.” Dean opens the car door and slips in, Castiel following on the passenger side. </p><p>“Are you worried about Sam?”, he asks while Dean starts the motor. He puts his hand on the seat behind Castiel while looking back to turn the car over. His thumb rests against Cas’ shoulder and he tries not to think too much about that small touch.</p><p>“Nah, not really. Garth maybe doesn’t look it but he’s a good hunter. Mostly just annoyed that he didn’t even ask me if I wanted to join him.” He puts his hand back and turns some buttons before starting to drive. “Too cold?”, he asks Cas with a quick glance to the side. Sometimes Dean seems to forget that Castiel is a celestial being who doesn’t have a need for a certain temperature, or, and Castiel doesn’t let himself entertain that thought often, he just wants to care for Cas every once in a while.</p><p>“I’m fine.” Dean nods shortly and keeps looking at the road. Cas turns his head, watching his profile, the soft sweep of his nose, his lashes throwing soft shadows under his eyes, the little curl of hair right by his ear.</p><p>“I hope you know that Sam loves you very much and him not asking you to accompany him doesn’t have anything to do with him not wanting you there. He probably just wanted you to take a break for a few days because you deserve to rest once in a while as well.”</p><p>It’s quiet for a moment, Dean staring outside, shifting in his seat. “Um, yeah, sure Cas, whatever. Not like I need a good old vampire beheading to get in the Christmas spirit.” He chuckles, dragging his right hand through his hair before dropping it back to the wheel.</p><p>Cas sighs quietly but doesn’t press the issue. He has known Dean’s insecurities for some years now, and he won’t be able to change anything about them on a short car ride to get food. They spend the rest of the drive in mostly comfortable silence before stopping in front of the diner. They get out of the car and walk in, Dean walking in first but keeping his hand on the door to keep it open for Cas.</p><p>It still seems to smell like fresh paint in there. The place is mostly empty except for some lonely figures at the counter and a group of school kids in one corner. Soft Christmas music is playing in the background, and there are decorations on nearly every single free surface. Cas catches himself smiling. It looks pretty.</p><p>They slip opposite of each other into a free booth and a young waitress comes to their table, menus in hands and a set of antlers on her head. Dean immediately puts on his flirty smile and talks to her in a way that makes her blush pretty much instantly. Cas has to look away, turning his eyes out the window and trying to ignore the way Dean can talk to a stranger like that without a second thought, in front of Castiel, oblivious of how this makes Cas feel.</p><p>When she leaves, Cas hears Dean rustling with the menu and turns back. “You know, I was thinking of doing Christmas this year, what do you think?”, he says, not lifting his eyes from the menu to look at Castiel. Cas doesn’t open his menu, he knows he will get the same thing as Dean. “What do you mean, doing Christmas?”, he asks. “I don’t know, maybe get a tree, put some decorations up, play some Christmas music. Can’t hurt, right?” He finally looks up, giving Cas a hesitant smile. “Thought I should check in with you first though, since I feel like it’s still some kind of religious thing? Whatever.” He shrugs, closing his menu and looking for the waitress who is already on their way to them, two cups of coffee in her hands. </p><p>“I’ll take your special burger with fries on the side, extra bacon and maybe don’t put too much lettuce on there, got that?” He winks at the waitress, and hands her the menus. “I ordered a coffee for you Cas, I hope that’s okay,”, he says absentmindedly while he watches the girl note down his order. “Sure,”, Cas says, waiting for the waitress to turn to him.</p><p>“And for you?”, she asks with a kind smile when she looks back up. “Same as him,”, Cas says and Dean lifts his eyebrows. “Didn’t you see they also have pancakes? You love breakfast food in the afternoon, don’t you wanna seize the moment?” Dean grins and Cas just shrugs. “No, the burger is fine, thank you.” The girl nods. “Whatever you want, honey. Gonna be back in some minutes. Shouldn’t take too long.”</p><p>Dean watches her leave, subconsciously licking his lips. Castiel closes his eyes for a moment, swallowing down the bitter taste in his mouth. He takes his cup of coffee, taking a sip, waiting for Dean to look at him again. </p><p>“Where were we again?”, he says, still looking at the young woman. “Christmas,”, Cas says quietly, his eyes on Dean who still doesn’t look back. “Most wonderful time of the year, huh,”, Dean says, smiling when their waitress turns around and catches him looking. She rolls her eyes in a playful way and disappears into the kitchen.</p><p>“We’re definitely coming back here,”, Dean says with a grin, finally turning back to Cas. Apparently his face must be doing something horrible, because Dean immediately loses the smile and clears his throat. “Sorry. Should have paid attention to you. She’s far too young anyway.” Cas tries to smile, even though he’s sure it looks fake. “Don’t worry about it.” He’s not sure what he means by that, but it’s the best he can offer Dean right now.</p><p>“I think celebrating Christmas would be very nice,”, he changes tracks to a safer topic. Dean perks up at that, a small smile starting on his lips. “Really?”, he asks, drinking a little from his coffee. “Cause I saw that some of the shops in town already have decorations on sale and we could get some garlands and tinsel and maybe some little reindeer figurines, hell do I know. There’s an area in the woods not far from the bunker where you are allowed to chop down Christmas trees, I mean not that I wouldn’t do it if it weren’t allowed but you know, even better that it’s legal. And I already looked for some recipes for a nice Christmas dinner, I already have some favourites but you and Sam can obviously take part in the decision, you’ll have to eat it after all, and… why are you looking at me like that?”</p><p>Cas doesn’t know how he looked at Dean, but he feels a smile on his lips. “Nothing, it just seems like… you already planned everything out. I didn’t know Christmas meant so much to you”</p><p>Dean averts his eyes, looks at the table. “Yeah, not like it’s set in stone. It’s not that I am a big fan of Christmas, but I thought, for once we could like… do that. Whatever. We don’t have to. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” </p><p>Cas can see Dean working himself into thinking that his really was a bad idea. “We could go to the store tomorrow morning if you want to.” Dean looks up at him, surprise in his eyes. “Really?” Cas nods. He’s not a fan of going shopping, but he will go if it makes Dean happy. That’s beyond question.</p><p>They get interrupted by the waitress bringing their food. Cas immediately takes the bacon out of his burger and drops it on Dean’s plate. </p><p>“I’d like that.” Dean’s eyes are soft when Cas meets them. He doesn’t look at anyone else for the rest of their meal.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“Cas, come on, you have been standing there for at least twenty minutes, if you want a snow globe then just choose one. Or is that some weird angelic thing?” Dean is leaning against the wall next to the shelf full of snow globes. Turns out, Cas is absolutely in love with snow globes (“Dean, this is fascinating, how could you never tell me about this?”) The other decorations in the store are nice, yes, but nothing compares to the small white specks dancing through the thick liquid above wintery sceneries. </p><p>“Fine. You wanna stare at those for another hour, do that. I’m gonna go get some actual decorations.” Cas hears the annoyance in Dean’s voice and looks up to see him already disappearing around a corner. He looks between the globes and to the corner Dean went to, then decides to stay right here. He still has to decide for the perfect snow globe he wants to give Dean as a present. Castiel’s not sure if they are gonna get each other presents, but it’s a tradition humans have and he wants to give Dean something nice. </p><p>A couple minutes later he decides on the snow globe that shows some people walking down a sidewalk, all in thick winter coats, a street light that can actually be turned on showing them the way. He quickly makes his way to the counter, passing a basket with hats that look like animal’s heads and picks one with moose’s antlers out for Sam. He’s sure that will make him laugh.</p><p>Cas pays quickly, letting both things disappear into his trench coat (for once he is glad that it’s so baggy, it will hide the presents from Dean’s view) and starts to look for Dean.</p><p>He finds him in front of the different Christmas lights. “There you are. Sorry for snapping at you. Just wanted to get on with the shopping. Look, aren’t those lights amazing? And even better than snow globes?” Dean gestures to the lights on display and Cas nods. “Of course they are, Dean.” He secretly thinks the snow globes are better than the lights, but maybe that’s just some ‘weird angelic thing’ as Dean put it.</p><p>Dean turns and looks at Cas for a while, not saying anything. “Are we good? I really am sorry. I guess I was just bored.” Cas nods. “It’s okay.” Dean looks like he wants to say something else, but then he shakes his head. “Well, what do you think, should we take yellow lights for the tree or ones with multiple colours?” </p><p>Cas thinks for a moment. “Why not both?” Dean’s big grin shows him that was the right answer.</p><p>They make their way through the store, grabbing garlands in different colours, tinsel and ornaments for the tree and even some cheesy angel figurines Dean insists on buying. “We’ll paint the hair of one of them black and call it Castiel,”, he says laughing, and Cas can’t stop staring at the way his eyes crinkle in the corners when he laughs, the sound of it making his heart ache with something he can’t name.</p><p>When they get to the counter, the cashier gives Cas a weird look since he has already bought something like half an hour ago, but Cas ignores him. When he takes his wallet out of his coat to pay, Dean stops him with a hand on his wrist. “Nope, this is my Christmas, I pay for it.” Cas gives him a look. “Dean.”</p><p>But he just shakes his head. Takes his hand off Cas’ wrist. “Really Cas, no big deal. Just let me do this, okay?” And he gives him that special smile, the one that has Cas going weak in the knees which is surprising since he is still a fucking angel but that’s just the effect Dean has on him. He puts his wallet back, nodding once and stepping back. </p><p>Dean pays and they carry all their new stuff to the car, try to fit everything in the cluttered trunk and even the backseat, but it’s worth it when Cas catches Dean humming softly under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>It’s the day before Christmas Eve and Cas and Dean sit in the library again, going through old documents, not even knowing exactly what they are searching for, when Sam comes in with a confused look on his face. “Guys? What happened to the bunker?”, he asks instead of greeting them. “Hey Sam! It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Dean’s grin lights up the whole room and Castiel bathes in it.</p><p>“Cas and I thought it would be nice to celebrate Christmas this year, didn’t we?” Dean turns to Cas, giving him an encouraging nod. “Yes we did.” Sam doesn’t look convinced. “Really. You both decided that getting our home full of unnecessary glitter would be a good idea.”</p><p>Dean nods. “Cas even made some hot chocolate. With marshmallows. And even a little gingerbread spice, to get into the Christmas spirit. You want some? “</p><p>Actually, Cas made the hot chocolate only for Dean, because when they were decorating a few days ago he mentioned that his mother used to make hot chocolate pretty much every night before Christmas. He doesn’t think Dean made the connection, but Cas is just glad Dean likes the way he prepared the hot chocolate. It took him some late-night adventures in the kitchen to find the perfect combination of spices and chocolate.</p><p>Sam clears his throat. “Well, no, actually I am quite tired. The drive was long. I think I’m heading to bed, taking a nap before dinner.”</p><p>Dean’s face darkens at that. “You can’t do that, we still need a Christmas tree.” Sam furrows his brow. “And what does that have to do with me?” Dean stands up and walks over to his brother. “Well, we waited for you to come back so we could get one together! Cas and I did all the holiday activities together, and we wanted to include you as well.”</p><p>Sam sighs. “Look Dean, it’s been a long day, maybe tomorrow we can-“ “No, we can’t do that tomorrow, I’ll spend the whole day cooking. Also, only lame people get their Christmas trees last minute.”</p><p>Sam is quiet for a moment. “I know you have always loved Christmas, but I just… really don’t need it. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate you doing all this, really not, it’s just that I haven’t slept in two days and I just really need a hot shower and my bed right now. Please Dean. Just go with Cas and tomorrow we will have a nice Christmas Eve, okay?”</p><p>Even from his seat a couple steps away Cas can see Dean’s eyes going cold. “Fine. Do what you want, bitch.” He leaves the room and Sam calls a weak “Jerk” after him, but Dean doesn’t answer.</p><p>Cas is quiet for a moment. “Was that necessary?”, he asks quietly. Sam turns around, dragging a hand over his eyes. “Probably not. I should apologize, shouldn’t I? I really was a bitch. God, I am just so fucking tired, and there was so much traffic because of Christmas and there were only the same five stupid Christmas songs on the radio and I just… it was too much. Especially ‘cause I wasn’t home.”</p><p>Cas nods. “Why don’t you tell Dean that?” Sam nods. “I will, I’ll just give him a minute to cool down. How long has he been like this?” Cas thinks for a moment. “I don’t know. A week, maybe? He mentioned it over dinner one time and then this just… happened.” He points at a little elf, dangling from one of the probably extremely valuable swords on the walls.</p><p>“He gets like that sometimes. Even when we didn’t know you yet. Sometimes he just got those weird urges to make everything peachy and happy, you know? Dad always got really annoyed when Dean started doing that, but I guess sometimes he need that. Thanks for indulging him, man.” Sam steps to Cas, clapping him on the shoulder.</p><p>“I indulge him?”, Cas asks, surprised. Sam lifts his brows. “Well, I guess. I mean you let him do all of this, didn’t you?” Cas shrugs. “It made Dean happy, so it made me happy. I liked doing all of this for him.”</p><p>Sam pauses for a moment. He seems to think about something for a moment before a smile forms on his lips. “You know what, Cas? Maybe this Christmas won’t be so bad after all.” And he leaves the library without another word.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>In the end, Cas and Dean go get the tree without Sam. Dean is not happy about it, but when Cas offers to fly over the field of leftover trees to find the best one amongst them, he smiles again. When they get a gigantic tree that Cas is carrying because duh, he’s an angel, Dean nudges his shoulder. “Thanks for coming with me,”, he says and Cas smiles. “I think I like picking out Christmas trees.”</p><p>Dean laughs. “Well, wait until you decorate the tree.”</p><p>As it turns out, Dean is right and Cas likes decorating the tree even more than just picking it up. Sam joined him and Dean when they came in with the tree, he had prepared some tea and together they start putting the ornaments Dean bought on the tree. Dean is visibly happy, he sings along horribly to the Christmas music Sam put on and he doesn’t stop laughing when Cas accidentally looses the ends of a garland and manages to wrap it around himself. Cas probably won’t get the glitter off his clothes despite his angelic powers, but making Dean laugh like that was worth it.</p><p>When they are done, they stand there for a while, admiring their work. “Well, it certainly does look like a tree three men decorated,”, Sam comments after a while and Dean snickers. “Don’t say you don’t love this beautiful mixture of shapes, colours and patterns. What do you think, Cas?” He turns to him with a soft smile.</p><p>Castiel shrugs. “It’s ours. I like it.” Dean rolls his eyes fondly. “Always making everything sappy, don’t you Cas?” He claps his shoulder, Cas leaning into the touch, before he looks at Sam. “Wanna watch some Netflix? I didn’t watch a single episode while you were gone, I hope you didn’t either.”</p><p>Sam grins. “Nope, I didn’t watch anything.” He’s quiet for a moment, then looks at Cas. “You wanna join?”, he asks, but Castiel can tell the brothers want to spend some time together. </p><p>“No thank you. I know you are watching The Crown and I do no appreciate the inaccuracies in that show.” Besides, he still has his gifts to wrap.</p><p>When he leaves, he hears Dean asking quietly “Dude, how does he know we watch The Crown? Do you think he thinks that makes us uncool?” and smiles to himself. </p><p>In his room, he takes the snow globe and the hat out from under his bed where he hid them and realizes he forgot to get some wrapping paper. He looks around the room and decides that some old papers from his desk must be enough. It looks ridiculous, the paper is not big enough and it feels like he’s using more tape than paper, but he thinks Sam and Dean are going to find that amusing. He can’t wait to give the presents to them.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dean spends Christmas Eve in the kitchen. He doesn’t let Sam or Cas in the room, let alone help. “This man is a nightmare,”, Sam whispers in Cas’ ear when Dean throws him out after he tried to get some coffee. “But sadly he can cook, so I can’t really say something about it, right?” He shrugs. “You know what, I’ll go get some breakfast for us, okay? Cause I’m really hungry!” He shouts the last part in Dean’s direction. </p><p>“Bitch!”, they hear Dean call and Sam laughs. “Well, that settles it. You wanna come?” Cas shakes his head. “I think it would be wise that I stay here, we don’t want him setting fire to the kitchen, do we?”</p><p>At that, Dean’s head appears from the doorway. “Hey, both of you. Stop gossiping about me. You’re so ungrateful. Isn’t Christmas about being grateful?” Sam stares at him. “That’s Thanksgiving.”</p><p>Dean stares back. “Fuck you.” Then he leaves again and Sam laughs. “Okay, I think I shouldn’t be here today, I think he’ll take my food from me if I annoy him any longer.”</p><p>“Damn right I will!”, Dean calls from the kitchen and Sam lifts his arms. “I surrender. See you later, Cas.”</p><p>Cas stays, and decides to spend the day cleaning up the bunker, putting things away and setting the table for their dinner tonight. He could do all of that with a flick of his wrist, he knows that, but he somehow finds joy in doing this on his own. Dean comes out of the kitchen at around 5, his hair in disarray, his shirt full of stains and even his face somehow dirty, but there’s a big smile on his face. </p><p>“Alright, just have to wait for the meat to cook. What did you do all day long?”, Dean asks, settling down on one of the chairs in the library, putting his feet on the table. “I cleaned up,”, Cas says and decides not to point out that Dean is messing everything up. “Oops,”, Dean says and takes his feet to himself again. Then he laughs. “Well, not like you can’t fix that up with a though, can you?” </p><p>Cas nods. Dean scratches his head sheepishly. “Also, sorry for being so mean to you and Sam earlier. I know I’m a nightmare when I’m in the kitchen. Have to do everything my way so I can be a real idiot.” Cas smiles. “It’s okay, Dean.” Dean looks at him for a moment, seemingly searching for something else to say, but then deflates and looks away. When he turns back, his usual smile is on his lips.</p><p>“Well, I’ll go get cleaned up for dinner. You gonna wear that?” Cas looks down at himself. “What’s wrong with that?”, he asks and Dean smiles. “Nothing. I like it.” He stands up and leaves the room. Cas can feel his cheeks going red and looks at the floor for a moment. Then he grabs his rag and wipes over the spot Dean put his feet.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“This was absolutely delicious. We should celebrate Christmas more often. Dean, this was amazing.” Sam leans back in his seat, rubbing his belly and sighing contentedly. Dean looks away. “Ah, it was nothing. And the potatoes were really not that good, where they?” Cas shakes his head. “I liked it. Everything was absolutely wonderful. You did great.” Even if he only tasted molecules.</p><p>At that, Dean looks up, suddenly eager. “Yeah?” Sam laughs. “Really, you listen when Cas tells you it was good?”</p><p>Dean gives his brother a deadly glare at that and after a second Sam reaches under the table to rub his leg. “Ouch. Stop it, I’m not saying anything. I take it back, your food was horrible.”</p><p>Dean grins. “No you don’t, it was, and I quote, ‘absolutely delicious’. There’s no taking that back.” Cas watches the two bicker, happy to just listen, when Sam turns to him. “Hey Cas, have you ever seen It’s a Wonderful Life?” and when Cas shakes his head, Sam starts spluttering and stands up. “Well then, we gotta watch it now. No way out.” Dean groans. “But only if we watch Home Alone after.”</p><p>Sam rolls his eyes. “Yeah, as if you can compare these two.” Dean stands up and starts following Sam. “No you can’t cause Home Alone is way better than It’s a Wonderful Life.” He turns back. “You coming, Cas?” </p><p>Cas stands up, catches up with Dean and they follow Sam to the couch, the lights of the tree twinkling. “I’ll go grab my laptop, wait a second.” Sam jogs out of the room and Dean lets himself fall down on the couch. “How can he run? I’m in a food coma,”, he pats his belly. </p><p>Cas sits down next to Dean, carefully leaving a little space between them. “It really was great. Thank you for doing this.” Dean blushes a little but tries to hide it by turning away. “Well, you ditched your trenchcoat for dinner so I had to follow with something more significant, didn’t I?” Cas smiles. “Can’t argue with that.”</p><p>They lock eyes for a moment, Cas feels himself swaying more into Dean’s space, but he can stop himself when he hears Sam’s footsteps approaching. “Alright, got the laptop, Cas, prepare yourself for the Christmas feelings!”</p><p>They watch It’s a Wonderful Life, and Cas does love it, then they watch Home Alone, which is stupid, but Dean laughing at nearly every single joke makes Cas like it as well. When they finish that, Sam scrolls through Netflix for a while and then smiles. “Love Actually.”</p><p>Dean sighs. “Really Sam? A romcom?” Sam shrugs. “I like it. And it’s a classic Christmas movie as well. Cas should see it.”</p><p>“Is this a love story?”, Cas asks carefully and Sam nods. “Well, it shows all different kinds of love. Romantic love, but also love between friends and in a family. It’s kinda cliché, but it’s also very heart warming.” Cas nods and settles down. “Well, then I want to watch it.”</p><p>Dean groans and turns his head on the back of the couch towards Cas. While they were watching, they started drifting closer to each other on the couch so that by now, their sides are touching. “You betray me like that?”</p><p>Cas smiles. “I like love stories.”</p><p>Dean’s eyes linger on Cas’ face for a moment, then he looks back at the screen. “C’mon Sammy, the sooner we start this, the sooner we get through.”</p><p>Cas finds himself very invested in the stories, but the story between Juliet and Mark hits him hardest. “Why did she kiss him? She’s still married and he won’t be able to be with her. So why kiss him? It’s cruel!”</p><p>Dean sighs. “Dude, we finished the movie like 10 minutes ago. Why are you so obsessed with that?” He’s speaking quietly since Sam is sleeping next to them in the armchair, the laptop dark on the table in front of them. </p><p>“I just think this ending is really mean to Mark. He loves her but at the same time, this kiss is the only thing he’ll ever get from her.” He thinks it wouldn’t be wise to mention the fact that he relates to Mark a lot. The two seem like a bad metaphor for Dean and himself and he is relieved but also surprised that Dean didn’t catch it.</p><p>“Well, man, it’s a thing in movies. Pining for your love from far away. You don’t know what will happen after that. Maybe she and her husband break up and they’ll get together. Write your own ending, man.”</p><p>“But that’s not a good ending either. Her husband deserves to be happy too. And Juliet did more damage than she thinks. Mark is not going to get over that kiss.” And he knows that because he knows that if he ever got a kiss from Dean, he’d crave another one like an addict.</p><p>Dean frowns. “But she didn’t do it to harm Mark. Quite the opposite, she thought that would make him feel better, you know? Get it out of his system.”</p><p>Cas scoffs. “You can’t get love out of your system. Lust, maybe. But not love.” He stands up. “I’ll go clean up the table and then I’ll settle down for the night. Wake Sam up, he’ll complain about his neck when he sleeps here.”</p><p>Castiel hears Dean calling after him softly, but he doesn’t turn around. He isn’t sure why this story hit him so hard, but he can’t seem to stop thinking about it. Always looking, never being allowed to touch, feeling awkward and stupid and horrible because of it. He takes their used plates and carries them to the kitchen, filling up the dishwasher. </p><p>How could Dean not see how this is how Cas feels about him? Is he really that oblivious? Or does he know and just decides to ignore it? He doesn’t know what would be worse.</p><p>“Cas?” He looks up and sees Dean standing in the doorway. “I’ll go to bed. Are you okay?” Cas nods. “Of course, Dean. Good night.”</p><p>Dean nods. “It’s just a movie, Cas,”, he says, then leaves. Cas looks down. Just a movie. Sure.</p><p>When he enters his room after he cleaned everything up, he sees the two presents sitting on his bed.</p><p>He grabs them, takes a look to the hallway and when everything’s clear, he jogs to the tree, places both presents underneath it. He is quite sure that it’s a human tradition to unwrap gifts on Christmas morning and he looks forward to seeing Sam’s and Dean’s faces when they find something under the tree.</p><p>His eyes fall on the laptop that is still sitting on the table. “Just a movie,”, he mumbles and tries to tell himself that’s true.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>When Castiel leaves his room on Christmas morning, he finds Sam and Dean already eating leftovers from the night before. “Hey, you want something? Be quick, Dean is pretty much inhaling all of that.” </p><p>Dean throws his brother a dirty look at that, but he still offers Cas a plate. “What do you say, why don’t we watch another movie after this? A Charlie Brown Christmas maybe? You love Snoopy, don’t you Cas? Maybe you’ll get over the excitement of last night that way, hm?”</p><p>Sam’s eyes go big at that, flitting between Dean and Cas. “What do you mean, excitement of last night?”, he asks carefully. Dean rolls his eyes fondly. “Cas really didn’t like the Keira Knightley storyline from Love Actually. Got really emotional about it.”</p><p>Sam has always been sharp and it only takes him a second to understand. He gives Cas a somehow pitying look but doesn’t say anything, thankfully. “Well, then I’d say the Peanuts would be a great way to make up my crappy choice I’d say,”, he says softly and Cas averts his eyes. “Yes, Snoopy is really nice.”</p><p>He takes the plate from Dean and eats a little. When Sam and Dean are finished  and he isn’t, he takes his leftovers with him so they can start the movie. When they reach the couch, Dean flops down immediately, but Sam frowns. “What’s that under the tree?”, he asks. </p><p>Cas sits down next to Dean. “I believe ‘Santa Clause’ was here tonight.” He makes the quotation marks with his fingers and enjoys the confused look on Dean’s face. “You think someone was here tonight? How could he get in here? We’re still safe, right?”</p><p>Sam pretty much audibly rolls his eyes. “Oh my god, Dean, think about what Cas said for more than half a second again. Christmas? Santa? Does that ring a bell?” Dean looks bewildered for a moment longer, then he starts to grin. “You got us presents? You didn’t have to,”, but he already drops to the ground to grab the package Castiel wrote ‘DEAN’ on. </p><p>“You wanted to do Christmas. I just wanted to make it complete.” Dean gives Cas a fond look and they are only interrupted by Sam laughing.</p><p>“Cas, this is amazing, I’ll never stop wearing that. Thank you.” He wears the hat and he looks ridiculous, but he smiles and walks up to Cas to hug him awkwardly from above, then sits down in the armchair.</p><p>Dean rips the paper from the box and takes the snow globe out. He is quiet for a moment, looking at it in wonder, then his eyes flicker over to Cas. “You got one of those for me?”, he asks softly.</p><p>Cas is worried for a moment because nothing about Dean in that moment says happiness. “Well… yes,”, he says, uncomfortably shifting in his seat. “I shouldn’t have, cause you didn’t like them, but, well…” he can’t add anything else because he doesn’t know what else to say. “It’s stupid,”, he finishes.</p><p>Dean stares at the snow globe, and it must be a trick of the light, because his eyes can’t be wet, right? But then Sam looks up from the laptop he had grabbed to search for the movie and laughs. “Dude, are you crying?”</p><p>Dean quickly wipes his eyes and stands up, the snow globe cradled in his arms. “No I don’t. Thank you, Cas.” He comes to the couch, sits down directly next to Cas and hugs him with his free arm, the snow globe trapped between them. </p><p>Cas melts into the embrace, hiding his face in Dean’s neck, holding tightly onto the worn fabric of the shirt Dean probably slept in. “I wanted to get you something that was important to me,”, he says quietly and he’s sure he doesn’t imagine the way Dean grips him even tighter. </p><p>They must stay like that for longer than necessary, because after a while, Sam clears his throat and when Cas looks up, he sees the laptop open and the title screen of the movie already prepared. He lets go of Dean, but keeps pressing their sides together. Dean settles back, the snow globe still in his arm, and lets Cas be close. It’s addictive and wonderful and Cas wants the touch to never stop again. It’s the best Christmas present he could have gotten.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Cas is sitting alone on his bed inn the afternoon when he hears a knock. “Come in,”, he calls and closes the book he had been reading. The door opens and Dean comes in, one of his arms behind his back.</p><p>“Uh, hey Cas, you got a minute?”</p><p>“Of course, Dean.” Cas stands up and walks towards Dean who now looks at the ground, somewhat sheepishly. “You know, Sam and I, neither of us got you any presents, and that’s not fair, so, uh, I thought…” He doesn’t elaborate, and Cas decides to fill the silence.</p><p>“It’s okay. I didn’t get you presents just so that you would get me one. I just wanted to make you two happy.” Dean laughs a little, the blush on his cheeks growing. “God, Cas, you can’t just say things like that so casually, Jesus.” </p><p>He’s quiet for a moment, then he looks up. “Anyway. You got me something that meant a lot to you, so I decided to give you something that means a lot to me.”</p><p>He moves his arm from behind his back to Cas and gives him a little piece of paper. No, actually it’s a photo, a picture of him and Sam and Dean, all smiling into the camera, the edges frayed and torn. Charlie took that photo, and it’s not visible in the picture, but they were sitting on the hood of the Impala in the middle of nowhere, eating some snacks they found in the trunk and just spending time together. It was a nice evening.</p><p>The picture does have a sharp bend right between his face and Dean’s, so that he is separated from Dean and Sam. Castiel frowns. Did Dean give this to him to show him how much his brother meant to him? Was this some cruel way to show Cas that Dean and Sam are a duo and that he should leave them?</p><p>He folds the picture where it has been folded for what must have been quite a while since the fold goes very easily and looks at Sam’s and Dean’s faces. “Thank you, Dean. I appreciate this.” He knows he doesn’t sound like he means it, but he doesn’t think he can pretend right now. </p><p>But Dean just sighs. “No, idiot, not that way round.” He takes the picture from Cas’ hands and turns it around so that Cas’ smile is looking at him. “Like this. Look, I just… oh god, this was a stupid idea.”</p><p>Cas looks up, frowning. “No Dean, I don’t understand, what does that mean?”</p><p>Dean closes his eyes. “Okay… Well, I had that picture in my wallet, okay? I didn’t have a picture of just you so I had to fold that one and I wanted to give it to you because… well, I don’t know why, this was stupid, I’ll leave now.”</p><p>Dean turns around, but before he can take a step, Cas grabs his hand. “Wait. Dean. Look at me.” He waits until Dean turns his head and lifts his eyes to meet Cas’, his eyes somewhat pained.</p><p>“You had a picture of me in your wallet? Why?”</p><p>Dean closes his eyes. “I forgot that you wouldn’t know that putting pictures in your wallet is a thing.” He takes a deep breath before looking at Cas again. “That’s what you do, you know? When someone… means a lot to you. You put their picture in your wallet so you can see their faces when you open it.”</p><p>Cas doesn’t understand. “And I mean enough to you for you to put my picture in your wallet?”</p><p>Dean’s eyes go wide. “Of course you do! Do you… Cas, do you think you are… not important to me?” </p><p>Castiel averts his eyes. “Oh Cas,”, he hears Dean say, then a soft hand is on his chin to make him look up again. “Cas, you are family. You and Sam, you are the most important people in my life. I know I am really bad at showing it, but Cas… you mean the world to me. Really. I really don’t understand why you stick around all the time cause I am definitely not worth it, but I am always happy to have you around.” Cas down at their still joint hands. “You don’t have to indulge me, Dean. I am thankful that you tolerate my quirks concerning you, but I don’t want or need your pity. Please.”</p><p>Dean’s eyes are full of horror. “Tolerate? Do you think I don’t want you here, but I tolerate you?”</p><p>Cas shrugs. “My angelic powers do have some advantages for you.” Dean shakes his head, completely baffled. “Cas, please don’t tell me that I have given you the feeling that I don’t want you here lately.”</p><p>Cas doesn’t answer and Dean closes his eyes again. “Fuck,”, he whispers, then he disentangles his hand from Cas’ and for a moment Cas thinks yes, now’s the moment, but Dean doesn’t leave. He puts both his hands on Cas’ cheeks, his thumbs rubbing softly on the skin. </p><p>“Cas, please listen to me very carefully. I want you here. Every second of the day I want you here. I have been an asshole the last few weeks, and I am sorry you had to endure that. I won’t lie, it had to do with you, but not the way you think. But please, never, ever again think that I want you gone. I need you, and not just for your powers. I need you for being you, for spending time with me, for making bad jokes about Sam’s hair. And you know why that is?” Dean swallows audibly. “Because I love you. Cas, I love you, okay? Don’t leave me, please. I know you deserve better and not only when I’m an asshole to you and you have to endure all my stupid moods and all my stupid Dean but please, stay with me. Your picture is just not enough.”</p><p>Dean bravely keeps looking into Cas’ eyes. And Cas, he can’t believe what he just heard. “Did you mean that?”, he asks quietly.</p><p>Dean nods, frantically. “Every word.”</p><p>Cas smiles. “Good.” He pulls Dean forward by his hips, moves his head and kisses Dean, his face still between Dean’s hands. It’s soft and chaste, and Cas feels himself melting into the way Dean starts moving against him, the way he pulls him closer and closer, the way one of Dean’s hands wanders into his hair, ruffling it up, the way Cas slides his hands over Dean’s back. It’s quiet and it’s theirs and it’s perfect.</p><p>Eventually Dean breaks the kiss to get some air. Cas whines, chasing Dean’s lips with his own. “Relax,”, Dean says quietly, his voice a little hoarse. “We have all the time on the world. I’ll make it up to you. If you let me.”</p><p>Cas studies his face for a moment, then he leans his forehead against Dean’s. “I love you too,”, he whispers.</p><p>Dean wraps his arms around Cas’ middle, closing his eyes, smiling softly, and in that moment, Cas realizes he was wrong. He’s not tolerated. Castiel is loved.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oof??? This was supposed to be much angstier with Dean being meaner but I couldn't make myself write that. I think I kind of lost track about halfway through, considering this was supposed to be Cas feeling only tolerated by Dean and instead becoming Christmas fluff, but well. I think theses boys deserve all the Christmas fluff.</p><p>Comments and kudos are appreciated!</p><p>I'm also on <a href="https://bookwafflefangirl.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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